2.14.2011
I can't believe you
Who are you?
Who was the girl I dated?
How did I get trapped in this toxic relationship?
I was blinded by excitement
By intrigue
By constant attention.
I reveled in it
Bathed in the feeling of being wanted
Letting go of everyone else just to feel this way.
I can't remember the last time I felt happy with you
Moments that I should be able to remember
Already forgotten or never had a chance to be made.
Trying to use my friends against me.
You had no one
You made my friends yours when they didn't want to be.
So much time has been wasted trying to rebuild friendships
And set straight the lies that were spoken
You left your mark here.
A mark that everyone has dissociated with.
You've been forgotten.
Does it make you feel better?
That you tried so hard to ruin my reputation?
I was so guarded before we dated.
Didn't let my best friends see my truest side.
You ruined me.
I let my guard down and was left devastated.
Alone. An egg shell of who I used to be.
I finally had enough.
Finding solace in the company of others' arms.
Bodies intertwining within my red sheets of despair
Trying to reassure myself that I was still wanted.
That I hadn't been wasted after being with you.
Even after 4 different people
I still couldn't get it out of my head that I had been cheated on.
And so blatantly in front of me.
But I chose to believe you.
I always chose you
When you never chose me.
Pathetic? Yes.
But what sickens me is that in knowing all the shit you put me through,
Part of me still cares.
I try to rationalize it in my head
Make excuses for the feeling
But then i realize.
No.
I'm doing this to myself for only one reason:
To prove that I am not you.
I hate you for what you did to me
I hate myself for letting this happen to me
I hate what you made me become.
So goodbye, good riddance
It sickens me to think that your venom penetrated my body
Attached itself like a parasite
And held me in a death grip since September.
I'm done caring.
I'm done thinking of you.
I'm done.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
2.14.2011
2.14.2011
two.
the number of times i've fucked up.
the number of times i didn't trust you
the number of times i didn't believe in our friendship.
i let myself get influenced by what i thought was love
something that i will always regret.
you were trying to be my friend
my rescuer
my savior
but i wouldn't listen
it took a break up to do that for me.
seeing you now is almost surreal
the feeling of starting over
another chance i don't feel i deserve,
but am so thankful i have.
you have been a constant in my life
stable? maybe not. *chuckle*
but a constant.
someone i know will be there
someone i will always have beyond Notre Dame.
i'm here for you
the only way i know how.
listening.
taking in your mile-a-minute talks
and just memorizing your reactions
so that the next time
you wont have to tell me.
i'll already know
you've impacted my life for the better
more than you even know
and made this last semester of senior year so far
the best i've had.
i know you won't accept this as a compliment
but writing down my thoughts has to count for something
so if anything,
thank you from the bottom of my heart.
happy valentine's day <3
two.
the number of times i've fucked up.
the number of times i didn't trust you
the number of times i didn't believe in our friendship.
i let myself get influenced by what i thought was love
something that i will always regret.
you were trying to be my friend
my rescuer
my savior
but i wouldn't listen
it took a break up to do that for me.
seeing you now is almost surreal
the feeling of starting over
another chance i don't feel i deserve,
but am so thankful i have.
you have been a constant in my life
stable? maybe not. *chuckle*
but a constant.
someone i know will be there
someone i will always have beyond Notre Dame.
i'm here for you
the only way i know how.
listening.
taking in your mile-a-minute talks
and just memorizing your reactions
so that the next time
you wont have to tell me.
i'll already know
you've impacted my life for the better
more than you even know
and made this last semester of senior year so far
the best i've had.
i know you won't accept this as a compliment
but writing down my thoughts has to count for something
so if anything,
thank you from the bottom of my heart.
happy valentine's day <3
Hope.
2.4.2008
round and round and round i go
when i stop? nobody knows
problems draw nearer
none any clearer
then where the hell am i?
the starting point has been blurred
and i dont understand how i got here
everything i see
everything i touch
seems as if im in a dream
and alternate reality to the life that follows me
im running.
i lied when i told you i wasnt.
but im running.
escaping the life that will forever haunt me in Orange County
oh God how pitiful i must sound
'my life is horrible in Orange County, woe is me'
but i doesnt matter to me that i came from there
i love the place
i hate how i lived when i was there
i need some stability
ANY kind of stability
to grant me semblance
and keep me calm until it hits again
the tranquil sea has left me
replaced by the roaring winds and never-ending snow
the change was needed
in my heart i know it was and so does she
she understands and that helps me keep going
she also knows what i truly want
though i have to keep telling myself that i will eventually get it
how she knows more about me than i myself know is still a mystery
something that would normally have me bolting in the other direction
but in this case a reverent air falls upon me
and im comforted that someone else can tell me what i want
what i need
what i desire
what i deserve
and although this place im running from holds her too
i cant escape what she says
so shes still here
in my heart telling me where to go next
and pushing me to surpass any barrier that comes my way
something surrounds me and im confused by what it is
then i realize
it's hope.
round and round and round i go
when i stop? nobody knows
problems draw nearer
none any clearer
then where the hell am i?
the starting point has been blurred
and i dont understand how i got here
everything i see
everything i touch
seems as if im in a dream
and alternate reality to the life that follows me
im running.
i lied when i told you i wasnt.
but im running.
escaping the life that will forever haunt me in Orange County
oh God how pitiful i must sound
'my life is horrible in Orange County, woe is me'
but i doesnt matter to me that i came from there
i love the place
i hate how i lived when i was there
i need some stability
ANY kind of stability
to grant me semblance
and keep me calm until it hits again
the tranquil sea has left me
replaced by the roaring winds and never-ending snow
the change was needed
in my heart i know it was and so does she
she understands and that helps me keep going
she also knows what i truly want
though i have to keep telling myself that i will eventually get it
how she knows more about me than i myself know is still a mystery
something that would normally have me bolting in the other direction
but in this case a reverent air falls upon me
and im comforted that someone else can tell me what i want
what i need
what i desire
what i deserve
and although this place im running from holds her too
i cant escape what she says
so shes still here
in my heart telling me where to go next
and pushing me to surpass any barrier that comes my way
something surrounds me and im confused by what it is
then i realize
it's hope.
I'm Letting You Go
1.25.2008
my artistic sense has been numbed.
the pages merely thumbed.
im troubled, but i dont show it.
im conflicted, and i know it.
i've come to realize that what's done is done.
our past is over, and i'm ready to run.
i miss you, this much is true.
but lately, my thoughts point nothing to you.
im letting you go.
forever in my heart you will stay.
but you and i know we have to go our separate ways.
im letting you go.
our story will continue apart.
we knew this would happen from the start.
you'll go your way and ill go mine
but my heart, you'll always find
my artistic sense has been numbed.
the pages merely thumbed.
im troubled, but i dont show it.
im conflicted, and i know it.
i've come to realize that what's done is done.
our past is over, and i'm ready to run.
i miss you, this much is true.
but lately, my thoughts point nothing to you.
im letting you go.
forever in my heart you will stay.
but you and i know we have to go our separate ways.
im letting you go.
our story will continue apart.
we knew this would happen from the start.
you'll go your way and ill go mine
but my heart, you'll always find
Frozen
11.12.2007
i dont understand.
what happened to us?
what happened to the connection we used to have?
i am so frustrated all.the.time.
angry that i cannot talk to you in the way i was once able to
i hate to blame you for anything
but it feels like you've pulled away from me
completely severed the bonds that held us so close together
why?
i told you i wasnt going anywhere
physically yes
but emotionally im still here
and you've ignored the connection
shunning me and letting me wallow in misery by my lonesome
i was so certain that i had matured
that i was able to surpass emotions of this nature
but not where it concerns you
i was adamant about not having a best friend all of my life
before we were close, i was unsure why
but now i realize
that i was protecting myself, my emotions, my heart.
this pain that im now feeling and have felt for the past months has been unbearable
tripling with the latest realization that i have lost you and will possibly never regain our ridiculously close attachment
the idea that i will have to learn to accept our new fate upsets me
upsets me to the point that i cry over what was
what brought us together, what made us the duo everyone was jealous of
and yet you'll remain unaffected
for your heart has now frozen over
any thoughts of me are strictly of what used to be
never to be resurrected for a continuation of what we could be
upsetting? yes. but more so in the way that i could have prevented this by not opening up at all.
for my next close relationship, i will keep you in mind
and remember the pain
the memories
the coldness
and remain frozen.
i dont understand.
what happened to us?
what happened to the connection we used to have?
i am so frustrated all.the.time.
angry that i cannot talk to you in the way i was once able to
i hate to blame you for anything
but it feels like you've pulled away from me
completely severed the bonds that held us so close together
why?
i told you i wasnt going anywhere
physically yes
but emotionally im still here
and you've ignored the connection
shunning me and letting me wallow in misery by my lonesome
i was so certain that i had matured
that i was able to surpass emotions of this nature
but not where it concerns you
i was adamant about not having a best friend all of my life
before we were close, i was unsure why
but now i realize
that i was protecting myself, my emotions, my heart.
this pain that im now feeling and have felt for the past months has been unbearable
tripling with the latest realization that i have lost you and will possibly never regain our ridiculously close attachment
the idea that i will have to learn to accept our new fate upsets me
upsets me to the point that i cry over what was
what brought us together, what made us the duo everyone was jealous of
and yet you'll remain unaffected
for your heart has now frozen over
any thoughts of me are strictly of what used to be
never to be resurrected for a continuation of what we could be
upsetting? yes. but more so in the way that i could have prevented this by not opening up at all.
for my next close relationship, i will keep you in mind
and remember the pain
the memories
the coldness
and remain frozen.
Here's To You
so the next few will be oldies that i wrote back in freshman year....just need some place to store them :)
10.19.2007
my love
my passion
my desire
i crave you as i drift to sleep
i dream of the memories once contained in your hidden cloak
we hid from the world
meaning mostly my mother
i want to share you with the world
to take pleasure that i became a part of you
but our association is severed
my hands grasping for your protection
my breath ragged and short with despair
going back to a life of agony?
an agony caused by those who apparently love you the most
why? what's the point?
as poets we see the world in a different light
a light that illuminates not only the most talented
but the most troubled and problematic
i keep writing, my hand refuses to cease movement
my hand cramps but i strive on
i pause knowing full well that the song i have put on repeat
will not remedy my woes, but heighten them
you as a muse, guide me where i must journey next
never leaving my side, always pushing me to surpass a new barrier
my love
my passion
my desire
i love you for who you have created
and the ideals that you so eloquently have stowed for me
your use has been temporarily paused
the reason quite unclear
and not altogether dismissable
i apologize for leaving you astray
wandering the expanse of an empty landscape
only to be a haven when i need you most
how much i miss you
and the way i used to be with you
after tonight
i cannot promise that i will diligently admire you
that i will religiously pour over past ideas with the same fervor
i have changed.
not the broken girl you so often saw attempting to pick up the pieces
but into a woman who makes decisions for herself
a woman who is not embarrassed to dance and sing as she once had been
the environment is my haven
you are my sanctuary
i owe you my entire being
thank you.
10.19.2007
my love
my passion
my desire
i crave you as i drift to sleep
i dream of the memories once contained in your hidden cloak
we hid from the world
meaning mostly my mother
i want to share you with the world
to take pleasure that i became a part of you
but our association is severed
my hands grasping for your protection
my breath ragged and short with despair
going back to a life of agony?
an agony caused by those who apparently love you the most
why? what's the point?
as poets we see the world in a different light
a light that illuminates not only the most talented
but the most troubled and problematic
i keep writing, my hand refuses to cease movement
my hand cramps but i strive on
i pause knowing full well that the song i have put on repeat
will not remedy my woes, but heighten them
you as a muse, guide me where i must journey next
never leaving my side, always pushing me to surpass a new barrier
my love
my passion
my desire
i love you for who you have created
and the ideals that you so eloquently have stowed for me
your use has been temporarily paused
the reason quite unclear
and not altogether dismissable
i apologize for leaving you astray
wandering the expanse of an empty landscape
only to be a haven when i need you most
how much i miss you
and the way i used to be with you
after tonight
i cannot promise that i will diligently admire you
that i will religiously pour over past ideas with the same fervor
i have changed.
not the broken girl you so often saw attempting to pick up the pieces
but into a woman who makes decisions for herself
a woman who is not embarrassed to dance and sing as she once had been
the environment is my haven
you are my sanctuary
i owe you my entire being
thank you.
intro blog...
Oh hey didn’t see ya there…
So if you’re reading this blog, I personally gave you the link to it which means that if you choose to read this incredibly uninteresting blog, you’ll be reading my poetry and maybe some thoughts on thoughts that I want to write down and share with you. Don’t feel any obligation to keep up with me but writing these poems are what keep me grounded. They might not be any good, and if you think that’s true, please just keep it to yourself.
So anyways, here we go…
Peace and love
So if you’re reading this blog, I personally gave you the link to it which means that if you choose to read this incredibly uninteresting blog, you’ll be reading my poetry and maybe some thoughts on thoughts that I want to write down and share with you. Don’t feel any obligation to keep up with me but writing these poems are what keep me grounded. They might not be any good, and if you think that’s true, please just keep it to yourself.
So anyways, here we go…
Peace and love
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