this one was from a week ago
Mess.
Disaster Zone.
Pigsty.
All words that describe the small room that holds my belongings.
I try to spend as little time as I can in here
Even in this house.
It's not my home.
Never has been.
Never will be.
Coming here everyday, I still feel tentative and insecure
This room though
the memories it used to hold
trap me in my desperate attempt to stay in control.
maybe that's why i come home past 12
maybe that's why i run out of the house leaving everything astray
piling on top of each other
leaving hardly any floor space visible.
I want to feel like it's mine.
Give it back...
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry
it was interesting how it all panned out
reading you say that you found it inappropriate
that you were so concerned that it was displayed so publicly
not gonna lie, did actually make me feel bad
i had been warned, pretty insistently about not doing it
but i was in such a rage and in the heat of the moment
that i decided to post it next to my old collection
the old collection of poetry that had been a stable force in my life
i'm not sorry about what i wrote
it portrays the emotions that i thought i had gotten over
the ones locked inside of my mind and heart
spilling out onto the blank space of a note
maybe a little more exaggerated than it should have been
but that's poetry
are you really taking it at face value?
yes it might not have been the best decision to post on facebook
but at the time, notes was the only place where i could place my thoughts
alongside my other gems
it wasnt until saturday night that i made the blog
where i could privately store it for a select few to see
so i apologize if i was in the wrong
but my intentions were not for you to see it
let alone read it.
my mind is still deciding if things are better off this way
and i think they might be
considering 15 minutes after this guilt had settled within me
i felt completely fine and detached from our old connection
progress?
i think so.
i'm sorry i'm not sorry.
reading you say that you found it inappropriate
that you were so concerned that it was displayed so publicly
not gonna lie, did actually make me feel bad
i had been warned, pretty insistently about not doing it
but i was in such a rage and in the heat of the moment
that i decided to post it next to my old collection
the old collection of poetry that had been a stable force in my life
i'm not sorry about what i wrote
it portrays the emotions that i thought i had gotten over
the ones locked inside of my mind and heart
spilling out onto the blank space of a note
maybe a little more exaggerated than it should have been
but that's poetry
are you really taking it at face value?
yes it might not have been the best decision to post on facebook
but at the time, notes was the only place where i could place my thoughts
alongside my other gems
it wasnt until saturday night that i made the blog
where i could privately store it for a select few to see
so i apologize if i was in the wrong
but my intentions were not for you to see it
let alone read it.
my mind is still deciding if things are better off this way
and i think they might be
considering 15 minutes after this guilt had settled within me
i felt completely fine and detached from our old connection
progress?
i think so.
i'm sorry i'm not sorry.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Library Girl.
she sits
eyes focused intently on her small computer screen
between reading and writing with a ballpoint pen
writing furiously
trying to come up with ideas
trying to write her poetry
she stumbles, pauses and staring at the words she just crafted
does this sound good enough?
is this what he's looking for?
she writes
pauses.
writes.
pauses.
write from the heart young soul
write what you are most passionate about
not necessarily what he's looking for
with the passion there, he'll know what is meant by your words
don't overthink
poetry comes from the soul
different areas exposed in each poem
linking together to reveal ourselves
so whether it be happy or dark
know that your writing moves people
regardless of the topic
so write.
write until you can't anymore
and see what i see in you
a passion for the power of words.
eyes focused intently on her small computer screen
between reading and writing with a ballpoint pen
writing furiously
trying to come up with ideas
trying to write her poetry
she stumbles, pauses and staring at the words she just crafted
does this sound good enough?
is this what he's looking for?
she writes
pauses.
writes.
pauses.
write from the heart young soul
write what you are most passionate about
not necessarily what he's looking for
with the passion there, he'll know what is meant by your words
don't overthink
poetry comes from the soul
different areas exposed in each poem
linking together to reveal ourselves
so whether it be happy or dark
know that your writing moves people
regardless of the topic
so write.
write until you can't anymore
and see what i see in you
a passion for the power of words.
Sleep.
last night was the first night i fell asleep and liked it.
waking up without a hangover
without having to run to class
and actually feeling rested
its hard to believe that's the first time it's happened
but what triggered it?
i think robin was right
it was the last connection i had with her
last night found it to be severed
i feel...lighter than i used to
like a weight and a burden of doing the right thing has been lifted
i dont have an obligation to pretend everything's okay
that i'm okay with her.
every night when i would fall asleep
i felt almost panicked
i would cough uncontrollably
hindering me from sleep for half an hour
i would wake up sweating and screaming
trapped within the grasps of my dreams
sleep was my way of losing control
and i couldn't let myself lose control
not like this
so i would stay up
four, five, six in the morning would pass by without a care
before i realized that i would need to get up at 830
an endless road of tiredness
the only thing i carried with me
catching naps when i could
but last night was different
i feel better about myself
i know what i want and i can see it in front of me
and this time with no distractions in my way
the wonders facebook and some sleep can do
i'm just grateful i feel like myself again.
waking up without a hangover
without having to run to class
and actually feeling rested
its hard to believe that's the first time it's happened
but what triggered it?
i think robin was right
it was the last connection i had with her
last night found it to be severed
i feel...lighter than i used to
like a weight and a burden of doing the right thing has been lifted
i dont have an obligation to pretend everything's okay
that i'm okay with her.
every night when i would fall asleep
i felt almost panicked
i would cough uncontrollably
hindering me from sleep for half an hour
i would wake up sweating and screaming
trapped within the grasps of my dreams
sleep was my way of losing control
and i couldn't let myself lose control
not like this
so i would stay up
four, five, six in the morning would pass by without a care
before i realized that i would need to get up at 830
an endless road of tiredness
the only thing i carried with me
catching naps when i could
but last night was different
i feel better about myself
i know what i want and i can see it in front of me
and this time with no distractions in my way
the wonders facebook and some sleep can do
i'm just grateful i feel like myself again.
Laughter
2.20.2011
I just reread the blog you kept
The one where all you talked about was me
How much you missed me
How much you loved me
How much you couldn’t wait to start our life together
I literally have been laughing since I stopped reading
What bullshit
You were so full of shit, even back then.
The last post stuck with me
Not because you said that you couldn’t bear it if I left you
But because I remember the moment I read that for the first time
That was the first time I felt contempt towards you
I was sitting on my bed
in my small room in London
reading that last sentence over and over
getting angrier with you
thinking what kind of person says that
the girls from the movies?
the ones who cant live without the men in their lives?
it's pathetic on screen
it's pathetic in real life.
i was so turned off to you
jumping back to the present
that same laughter escaped my lips only a few moments ago
this time in finding out you blocked me on facebook
i don't think its possible to be more immature
i'm just glad i don't have to look at your face anymore.
Film Reel
2.19.2011
Obsession
Is that the best way to describe this feeling?
All that keeps running in my head
Are flashes of you and her
you and this ambiguous girl
Passionate
Lying in bed
Loving each other
Needing each other
It goes on and on
Replaying in my head like a film reel
Get.out.of.my.head
Put me out of my misery
I haven’t spoken to you
I haven’t seen your face
But since that day you told me you were dating her
The seed was planted in my brain
To start thinking about you again
But you with her.
Is she as good as I was?
Does she pleasure you the way I did?
I’d never heard those sounds before
Telling me where to go
Where to press
Where to take you where you’ve never been before
I miss those sounds
I miss being able to be somewhere blissful with you
Those other girls haven’t sounded like you
Haven’t tasted like you
Damn.
I cant keep doing this to myself.
I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore
Disdain? Anger? Sadness?
Please can you just tell me what it is?
And make it go away?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
